All roads lead home

the end of this trip….

mythotsga — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:20:41 +0000

my contract here in this country is coming to an end in a week and I am preparing to go home ….what an experience it has been….20 months of living in a foreign country…………..an experience I will treasure for the rest of my life……so what has it been like….I will break it down into things I will miss and things I will not miss about this country….

THINGS I WILL MISS

that awesome view of the mountains in the distance that greet me as I come to the top of the hill on the highway….this view greets me on my way to work every morning….for me it is the visuals for the first line of the hymn…..”O Lord my God when I in awesome wonder, consider all the works thy hands have made”….the shades, the hues, the temperament if I may use that work to describe a range of mountains, is different on a daily basis….dull, or bright, the mountains in the distance take my breath away…….
the view of the bay from the verandah of my flat…..again, awesome…..the lights from the boats bobbing in the water at night to the morning light …..I will miss this view that brings a calm to my day……
the people of this country…..it is a country with a not so good image but having lived here for 20 months I do sometimes wonder how can people whom I have come to love and respect be so violent or so different in an instant……

THINGS I WILL NOT MISS

The security situation, that I am female and live on my own and a foreigner puts me at some risk so my movements have been somewhat restricted.
Eating alone, I live on my own here in this country and I miss the company of people at meal times.
Shopping for one….hahaha……..asking for 250 grams of mince meat or buying 3 carrots……..when others around you are asking for 5 kilos of mince or 5 kilos of sausages….but the good thing is that when in the supermarket you can always tell foreigners who are here on our own, the volume of our shopping is much less than the others….:-)

So it has been a 20 months that has heightened my own awareness about my vulnerabilities especially in security situations, while I found some of the precautionary measures annoying, I gradually came to an acceptance that they were for my own safety. As I look forward to going home I return home with so many lessons about life in general and the development sector in particular….

some things i have learnt from working in development….

mythotsga — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:00:39 +0000

you may have years and years of experience from working in development in third world countries, but there is no one shoe fits all solution, each country or each situation is unique,
donors may talk about bottom up approach but in implementation it is really what they want that goes which is not necessarily a bottom up approach,
it is all about people, take the time to understand the context, the surrounding, the environment and the culture in which you work, it will make your life easier and most importantly can make your work an enjoyable experience,
take the time to listen and hear what the local staff are saying or not saying….these observations go a long way,
who said development is about mainly about improving lives? It is a business and a successful one for many,
it can be easy to lose sight about helping to improve the lives of others, when greed and insecurity sets in,
be flexible about your work, your results, for development to be successful there is a need for flexibility about results, outcomes and outputs, otherwise it may not be sustainable….

thinking can sometimes be painful….:-))

mythotsga — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:03:06 +0000

yep, thinking too much, analysing alot, only to find you are stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place can sometimes be painful…..but also not being able to think simply because you are in the unknown or have no options open to you can also make thinking a painful activity….ha!

while i might describe myself as cautious, careful, a risk analyser, I will also add in my favour, that secretly, I am an eternal optimist. I sometimes find it hard to see the negative, in fact, I like to think or say that until it has been proven time and again, and again (and again) that it is not possible then will I give up. A stubborn streak? Maybe? Arrogance? Who knows? but it is not usual for me to give up. However, I will admit defeat or give up if I know that something is futile from the beginning, a sixth sense? I dunno!….:-)

why am i typing this ramble? not sure……just that since I have been home, I have been hearing alot and being advised alot and I am not sure what to make of all of this but I do know that sometimes people say things with the best of intentions even if it comes out wrong and sometimes people can say the best things with the worst intentions….ha! and this group wrongly assume that everyone else was born yesterday…..:-) and at the end of it all I have been thinking and thinking…..and felt that I am going nowhere but still acknowledge that people are saying whatever they are saying to me with ~~perhaps~~ good intentions…..????? LOL……

ahhhhh life………….

while the world slept…..

mythotsga — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:18:05 +0000

the view from the verandah of my home on the island

toodles 2011 and helloooo 2012…..

mythotsga — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 08:29:53 +0000

well here we are, just a few more hours, well 38 minutes and 2 hours to be exact before 2012 is here and wow….2011 went by so fast…..it was here now it is almost gone….

looking back?….all i can say is that i am thankful for the blessings in my life, my family, my friends, my job, living in a foreign country, coming home for holidays, the sunburn on my back from the very fun and very enjoyable fishing trip early this week, seeing the baby turtle in the shallow waters early on thursday morning, the noisy nephews and nieces who made my stay on the island utterly relaxing and stress free, that majestic view of the mountains in different hues that greet me every morning on my drive to work…..these are things i am grateful for…..with 2012 almost here….i say best wishes to anyone who stumbles across this blog and all the best for the new year.

homeward bound…..

mythotsga — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:23:05 +0000

yes, i am looking forward to my break….usually, I am excited and so cannot wait to get on that plane and head home. This time, while I am happy to be taking a break from this country that I call my temporary home, the excitement of going home is not there. The memory is still fresh from my last trip of that decision I made. BUT…. to keep myself going I keep telling myself, that’s life and just keep walking on……

i am looking forward to family and friends and my favourite foods…..i am looking forward to the island and having a little get together with the kids in my village…..playing games with them, inspecting the little sea walls we had built together along the shoreline to manage the coastal erosion…..seeing the joy on their faces as we share lollies and chocolates I have brought from the city to the island ….feeling content that I can make an impression on a young persons mind…….

sure my heart will be breaking as I am reminded of what I do not have anymore when I see that stunning sunrise from the verandah of my beach house, sure I will have my moments when I will be aware that perhaps something is missing in my life but I will remind myself of the blessings I have and hope that the shouts of laughter from the kids in my village will drown the din of those sad memories…….

being true to oneself….

mythotsga — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:57:59 +0000

I am so glad i had a good mentor who taught me the importance of upholding integrity, honesty and the importance of values not only in our personal lives but also in our professional lives. I am so saddened with the number of people with shallow selfish interests that i come across almost on a weekly basis. It saddens me that some of these people i consider friends. I wonder what has happened in their lives that has changed them to be selfish, shallow, greedy, arrogant people. That is not to say that I am perfect, far from it! I too have my weaknesses but i know that despite my weaknesses i will not backstab a friend or appear two faced to them. I know that lifes experiences shape our characteristics and personalities and habits but I also know that we also have in our hands the choices to be selfish, shallow and arrogant or be kind, live our lives with true values and integrity.
My mentor did say to me that to lead a life of integrity and value can sometimes isolate you from others but I prefer that to life in an environment that is shallow and fake…..

what to write….

mythotsga — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 05:09:11 +0000

it seems to be getting harder these days to update my blogs, not for lack of material but for how to say what I want to say. This blog was set up for me to rave and rant but lately it is hard for me to rave and rant. Not an excuse but simply that I have been going through a variety of different feelings and sometimes it is hard to articulate these things in writing. If someone had told me 2 years ago that I would be facing issues like I have been facing in this past year, I would have laughed in their face but….its true we never know what the future hold. I can only take each day as it comes and make the best of it….some days I may be satisfied with my efforts and other days I may not be satisfied….however life will still go on….

some people are beyond help….

mythotsga — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 03:13:30 +0000

if they have been mentally and emotionally abused for so long, that to offer a helping hand or a kind word sometimes is not taken in the manner and the spirit in which it was given…..

but I believe that time is a great bridge for people like this, for the giver it can be a frustrating experience most of the time but given time things can look better for the ‘victim’…..

i am seeing first hand the effect of long term mental and emotional abuse to someone very close to me and it is painful to see a seemingly happy person hide the pain and the scars and make excuses for their tormentor……

despite all this I hope that one day the scales can fall from her eyes and she can see clearly…………..and rise from all her pain and frustrations.

still the same but a different kind of me…….?

mythotsga — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 12:11:05 +0000

I am not sure what I mean by the sentence in my header for this post, but I do know I am undergoing some sort of change, nothing drastic, just something a little different is happening. I cannot describe it but it feels as if I am in new clothes or a new skin – it is the same old me, I just feel a little knew inside of me, nothing has changed on the outside, just feeling a little new on the inside……neither am i reinventing myself, this same but different me feels as though i am on a new journey.

This post is to sort of say, I am taking this new road, I do not know where it is leading, but I feel good so far while walking on this road. Yes, I am afraid of the unknown, and while there is uncertainty of what lies ahead, I do know that my load feels lighter. I just feel a little more comfortable on this journey now, sure there are places and rest stops that remind me of many things, but I feel that all I can do now is look ahead….well at least I can try……sometimes while on this road, it is challenging to keep looking ahead, sometimes I want to look back and ask WHY, but I keep telling myself to keep looking ahead, it will get clearer…….

sometimes it helps that I am currently living in a foreign country, away from what is familiar and yet there are times I so miss what is familiar and just so ready to pack up and go back home…..but with what I have been going through these past few weeks since returning from my visit back home, I feel really grateful to be away from home……..just to be away, giving me time to recover, to forget, to heal, to really turn my back…….to really, really say goodbye and just walk on……and away……..